DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.
I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNHAPPY: I assume from your letter that you are neither a conservative nor an orthodox Jew. Because your question involves Jewish law (which is outside my area of expertise), I ran your question by the most brilliant rabbi I know, Rabbi Elliot Dorff, who teaches at the American Jewish University in Los Angeles. In part, this is what he had to say:
"The prohibition against cremation comes from the belief that your body belongs to God, not to you personally. It's not unlike renting an apartment. Part of the lease agreement is that you will not destroy or harm the property before you cease residency. (There is no restriction on piercing, which was practiced by Jewish women and men from the time of the exodus from Egypt. As for tattooing, the restriction against it goes back to the days when the Jews were fighting with the Canaanites, who used tattooing in their religious rites.)
"The restriction regarding cremation came about because of the belief that it is actively destroying God's property. According to the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards, cremation is prohibited, but if people do that their cremains may be buried in a Jewish cemetery -- but, unlike what your children are threatening, it has nothing to do with what happens after death. There are differences on this subject. Nobody knows what happens after death, not even rabbis. Jewish people have a positive commandment to save a life. Organ donation would be an example of this. Although it might be considered 'damaging a body,' saving a life takes precedence."
Rabbi Dorff said your children need to know there's a disagreement among rabbis as to whether interment in a mausoleum is equivalent to burial in the ground. So, cremation may be "out" for you, but you can be laid to rest next to your husband in a crypt. What is of utmost importance is that your relationship with your children be restored. In the precious time you are on this side of the sod, you and your children need to be able to love and enjoy each other. Weapons like threats and blackmail should not be used.
요약
고민: 저는 76세이고 남편과 함께 화장을 하려는 마지막 계획을 갖고 있습니다. 왜냐하면 땅속에 묻히는 것이 평생의 두려움이었기 때문입니다. 제 첫번째 결혼에서 얻은 자식들은 유대인이며 화장에 아주 적대적입니다. 제가 그들에게 제 소원을 얘기했을 때 "당신은 천국에 못 갈 거다". "돌아가신 엄마나 손자를 못 볼 거다.", "우리는 당신을 위해 카디시를(유대교인들이 하는 기도로 사망한 부모, 형제를 위해 근친자가 상중에 매일 교회 예배에서 외는 기도) 할 수 없다" 등 화장에 대해 연속적인 부정적인 말들로 저를 공격했습니다. 그래서 저는 바로 계획을 바꾸고 남편과 저는 수용 가능한 대안으로 생각하여 교회 지하 매장소를 나란히 구입했습니다. 저는 틀렸고, 지난 한 달 동안 그들은 그것을 일반 매장으로 바꾸라고 계속 압박했습니다. 마침내 저는 이것으로 충분하고 내 의견을 존중하고 다시는 이것에 대해 논의하지 말라고 그들에게 말했습니다. 그래서 지금 가끔씩 손주들로부터 오는 메시지를 제외하고는 연락이 없습니다. 어떤 조언이나 도움을 주시면 감사하겠습니다.
애비의 의견: 당신의 편지에서 추측하건대, 당신은 보수적이거나 정통 유대인이 아닌 것 같습니다. 당신의 질문은 유대교 법률과 관련되어 있으므로, 제 전문 분야가 아니기 때문에 저는 미국 로스앤젤레스에 있는 American Jewish University에서 가르치는 가장 뛰어난 래비인 Rabbi Elliot Dorff에게 당신의 질문을 전달했습니다. 그는 다음과 같이 말했습니다. (요약) 유대인 법률에 따르면 화장은 금지되지만, 잔해는 유대인 묘지에 묻힐 수 있습니다. 래비들 사이에 땅속 매장과 묘지 내 마비석에 대한 논쟁이 있습니다. 당신은 화장은 할 수 없지만 남편 옆에 안식처에 매장될 수 있습니다. 가장 중요한 것은 자녀들과 관계를 회복하는 것입니다.
나의 의견: 이 사연은 종교 문제라 애비도 자신의 의견을 주지 못하네요. 저에게도 이번 사연은 모르는 단어도 많고 처음 접하는 유대교 관련 용어가 많아서 내용을 이해하는데 조금 시간이 걸렸습니다. 이 사연에 대해 할 말은 많지만 하지 않는 것이 답인 것 같습니다. 애비가 의견을 피한 이유도 그렇지 않을까 싶습니다.
단어
angst
/æŋst/ noun [uncountable] strong feelings of anxiety and unhappiness because you are worried about your life, your future, or what you should do in a particular situation
ex) love letters full of angst
공포, 두려움, 불안, 걱정
cremation
/krəˈmeɪt $ ˈkriːmeɪt/ verb [transitive] to burn the body of a dead person at a funeral ceremony.
—cremation /krɪˈmeɪʃən/ noun [countable, uncountable]
화장, 소각
barrage
/ˈbærɑːʒ $ bəˈrɑːʒ/ ●○○ noun
1 [countable usually singular] the continuous firing of guns, dropping of bombs etc, especially to protect soldiers as they move towards an enemy
barrage of
ex) a barrage of anti-aircraft fire
2 [singular] a lot of criticism, questions, complaints etc that are said at the same time, or very quickly one after another
barrage of
ex) a barrage of questions
(말, 구타의) 연발
crypts
/krɪpt/ noun [countable] a room under a church, used in the past for burying people → vault
성당 지하실
orthodox
/ˈɔːθədɒks $ ˈɔːrθədɑːks/ ●○○ adjective
1 orthodox ideas, methods, or behaviour are accepted by most people to be correct and right SYN conventional
정통파의
ex) orthodox medical treatments
ex) He challenged the orthodox views on education.
2 someone who is orthodox has the opinions and beliefs that are generally accepted as being right, and does not have new or different ideas
ex) Orthodox economists believe that a recession is now inevitable.
ex) an orthodox Marxist
3 believing in all the traditional beliefs, laws, and practices of a religion
ex) an orthodox Jew
run something by somebody
(also run something past somebody) phrasal verb [transitive]
to tell someone about an idea or plan so that they can give you their opinion
ex) You’d better run it by your manager first.
cremains
/krɪˈmeɪnz/ noun [plural] the substance that is left after a dead person’s body is burned SYN ashes
유골
commandment
/kəˈmɑːndmənt $ kəˈmænd-/ noun [countable] one of the ten rules given by God in the Bible that tell people how they must behave
명령, 지령
interment
/ɪnˈtɜːmənt $ -ɜːr-/ noun [countable, uncountable] formal the act of burying a dead body SYN burial, → inter
매장
mausoleum
a large stone building made specially to contain the body of a dead person, or the dead bodies of an important family → tomb
마우솔레움, 웅장한 무덤
sod
/sɒd $ sɑːd/ noun
1 [countable] British English informal not polite a very offensive word for someone, especially a man, who you think is stupid or annoying
ex) Get up, you lazy sod!
2 → be a sod
3 [countable usually singular] British English informal not polite used to refer to a person
ex) The poor sod's wife left him.
ex) You lucky sod!
5 [countable, uncountable] a piece of earth or the layer of earth with grass and roots growing in it
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